Dear People Who Keep Company With God,
Years ago a few guys had a spontaneous prayer meeting. We were asking God do some things for us. No, we begin by asking God about some things, but before long the prayer meeting had deteriorated into a glorified begging session. I left that day feeling terrible. In my heart I just knew this could not be right. We are not beggars we are sons.
That day of begging turned out to be a major tipping point for me. I had been on a journey away from an Old/New Covenant mixture that governed much of my spiritual life and thinking and that day I determined in my heart that I was done with the madness.
From the beginning of my walk with Christ I have been passionate about my relationship with God and my spiritual life. When I was first saved I determined if I was going to be a believer in Christ I was not going to do it half- hearted. I was either all in or not in. That is a strength God has given me, but like any strength there are times it will work against you.
Back in those days a lot of the teaching and understanding of the Scripture tended to focus on a conditional relationship with God that emphasized the need for zeal in seeking Him without giving much attention to the fact that everything spiritual must spring forth from rest in the finished work of the cross.
The fruit of this believing caused me to constantly strive to become closer and more intimate with God, but I was never satisfied. I had a lot of frustration working in my heart concerning my spiritual life and calling. I struggled with feelings of condemnation and unworthiness that feed a legalistic performance mentality in me. I felt like a failure in comparison to all the spiritual people at church so secretly I started resenting them and the church.
In some ways I was like a dog chasing its tail. I was always asking and sometimes begging the Lord for a closer relationship with Him and for more of the things of the kingdom. I did not have a revelation that I already had all these things (1 Cor. 1:4-8). Sure I could read the verses and understand them with my mind, give mental assent to them, but in my heart I was a million miles away from actually believing and being rooted in them. What you believe rules you. I was being ruled by a wrong view of God and the way life in the kingdom truly works therefore my spiritual life was all over the map.
I had a real bad case of “mistaken identity.” Because I did not have a revelation about grace and the Father’s heart I mistook my relationship with Him as a master and servant, rather than a Father and son, relationship. I kept trying to relate to Him like a servant relates to his master. A servant at best earns what he gets and at worse begs for a hand out. A son, on the other hand, knows he has every right to live from the Father’s house and eat at His table.
Looking back I see the Father would never really relate to me as a servant, but as a son and that is where all the frustration came in. I was trying to be someone, get something and get somewhere and He was trying to get me to see whom I already was and what He had already given me. Guess who won that tug of war? And I am so thankful He did! I am done with chasing my tail.
None of this happened over night. Sure there are mountain top experiences, but overall it has been a progressive revelation of the Gospel of the grace of God (Acts 20:24). Yes, I still have a lot more to discover, learn and grow in but I am enjoying this journey.
Many Blessings, BW